so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
