we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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