So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
