If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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