Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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