the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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