so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
