Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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