My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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