she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
