you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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