My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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