then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
