Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
