I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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