Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
