i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
