So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
