OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
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