I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
My vagina is very pro this idea
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
