I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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