Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
