i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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