need another drink. this is the easiest way
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
