Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
