This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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