Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
