i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
