My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
