Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
