Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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