yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
It's Friday. Sex?
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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