My sheets look like a crime scene.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I skipped work to stalk him.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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