Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Randomize
