I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
i drank out of a bidet.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
