I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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