the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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