So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
