I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Dear god my vagina.
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