A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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