They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
