Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
