New invention idea: vibrating tampons
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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