worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
