Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
