We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
