People in love make me want to vomit
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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