Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
