she looked like the before picture.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Randomize
