It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
