how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
i now understand why vodka
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
